Barbie Detective
by PerfectPegZero
Summary: Barbie is now a detective and she must solve three mysteries. Crossover from the Barbie Detective games my sister used to play and we'd all make fun of! Please read and review.
1. Mystery at the Carnival

Barbie Detective 1

Barbie Richards arrived at the amusement park with her "friend" and assistant detective, Becky Cunningham. A stout, gray-haired man of about 50 years old walked out of the office.

"Hi, I'm Bert Franklin! I own the Lou Zurr Amusement Park!" the man said.

"Barbie Richards, detective. I've come to…" she paused. "Becky, what's the word?"

"Investigate." Becky said dryly.

"Investigate! I'm here to investigate! By the way, this is my handicapped friend, Becky. She'll be helping me."

"More like solving it for you; then you take the credit," she muttered under her breath.

"What's that? You'd like me to tell him your story?" Becky rolled her eyes. "Well, one day she was on her toilet. Then a tornado came and destroyed her house, killing her entire family. She was sucked up by the tornado and dropped into a cornfield, PARALYZING HER FOR LIFE FROM THE WAIST DOWN!"

"At least I got a Master's degree, unlike you who got the better job because you're prettier!" Becky said.

"Oh Becky, always the joker, So my boyfriend Ken was locked up during a charity fundraiser and never found… where can I find this magician?" she asked.

"Well, her office is near here. Just go that way!" Bert Franklin pointed. While Barbie walked and Becky wheeled they saw a figure clothed in black.

"Look Becky! That must be the culprit! It looks like he was heading toward the carousel!" Barbie said.

"Why don't you chase after him?" Becky asked.

"Because Becky, if I run, I sweat and I don't want to! Let's find the magician woman first!" Barbie said and she knocked on the door. No one answered. Her back door was also waving in the wind, it was just opened.

"Hello? HELLO? Anybody in there? Come on out! I know you're there!" Barbie yelled.

"You airheaded moron! That figure in black clothes must be the magician! I can't believe you didn't figure that out the second she didn't answer!" Becky yelled, angrily.

"Oh, silly Becky. She might be out getting coffee! Just because it looks like she has 4 black trenchcoat/shirt/pants/hat combos doesn't make her the villain! How many normal people have that ensemble? It's very pretty! You know I got half of an Associate's degree in Fashion Design!" Barbie said for her cockamamie excuse.

"You idiot! I'm going to the carousel to unmask her. You get on because you're not in a wheelchair but you should be because you are obviously mentally retarded!" Becky ordered. Barbie walked to the carousel and got on the horse. The figure got on the horse that was 3 ahead of her. Becky was circling the carousel in her wheelchair.

"YOU MORON! Get off the freakin' horse and catch that person!" Becky screamed.

"Becky, what if I fell off and cracked my head open? Nope, I'll wait till the ride stops, let this mystery person walk a second and I'll determine where he/she's going."

"You mean Wanda McMillon, the magician? Jeez, I remember my interview for this stinking job."

3 years ago…

"Becky Cunningham! Got a Bachelor's Degree in Criminal Justice at the University of Tehran and a Master's of Technological Engineering at Northwestern University!

"Very impressive, you are sure to get the job!"

Barbie's Interview…

"The D-cup bra seems so small for me! Sometimes I just don't wear it. Maybe they could fashion me an E-cup. Anyway, I'm Barbara Ann Richards, I was born in Miami, Florida. I got half of an associate's degree in Fashion & Cosmetics. Do I get the job? And I'm admired for my huge lips, they're natural!" Barbie said in her interview.

"You want the job! You can have it! Take my job! Take the Head of the CIA's Job! WOW!" the recruiter said.

"What's going on in here? Have you hired the federal detecti…" Bill Clinton stopped. "Well, how would you like to be First Lady for a day?"

Becky sulked by the concession stand while Barbie flounced over there. Barbie had a magnifying glass in hand.

"This must be an old invention invented for the circus."

"You idiot! It's a magnifying glass and they gave you it before you got here!" Becky scoffed.

"Yes Becky, this does magnify my beauty! Is Idiot a French word? Is it a perfume?" Barbie asked. Becky covered her face in embarrassment.

"HEY! There's a shed! Let's see if anyone's home!" Barbie said, knocking on the shed. A man in a straw hat and overalls answered that looked like he only had a 3rd grade education.

"Hi, I'm Barbie Richards, I'm investigating stuff here. Have you seen anything suspicious?" she asked.

"I'm Arty the Handyman, Wanda McMillon wanted all the money from the charity drive. But Bert was giving it to underprivileged children in Senegal! She said she would lock Ken Berkley, the Senagalian missionary in the box, then hide it!" Arty said.

"Interesting… I bet it was that Bert Franklin!" Barbie said.

"Nope", Arty said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING HE JUST SAID? YOU AIRHEADED MORON!" Becky screeched.

"Yep", Arty said.

"Airheads and Mormons? I like Airheads, especially the red kind. Mormons scare me, aren't they the ones with the multiple gods with all the arms?"

"That's HINDU and it's nothing alike!"

"Yep", Arty concurred.

"Becky, do you think it's appropriate to talk about this? I'm trying to solve a mystery here!" Barbie said, irritated.

"Hey Barbie, the "mystery person" is walking to the slide! Why don't you follow him?" Becky asked.

"Good idea Becky! Thanks for your help!"

"Yep", Arty said.

"Hick…", Becky muttered.

Barbie and Becky got to the slide and Barbie waited until the mystery person got in the elevator.

"Why did you wait for her to get in the elevator? You could have apprehended her and saved time!" Becky yelled.

"I have no idea." The elevator returned, Barbie and Becky got in. When the villain went down, Barbie followed.

"WILL YOU JUMP ON HER ALREADY?" Becky screamed.

"What if I get rugburn or whiplash? Or worse, I break a nail?" Barbie asked, "If I just stay behind him, Bert Franklin, I'll catch him!" Barbie said.

"I'M NOT BERT FRANKLIN! I'M WANDA MCMILLON, THE MAGICIAN! I DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE HIM!" Wanda yelled.

"Nice try Bert Franklin!"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE! THIS IS TOO EMBARASSING, I'M RIDING DOWN THIS SLIDE ON THE WHEELCHAIR!" Becky yelled. She wheeled down the slide. She was cruising fast.  
"BECKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Barbie yelled. She took the wrong way down the slide and separated from the villain.

"BETTER WATCH OUT, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S BECKY!" Becky said, her iris and pupils metaphorically bouncing all about her eyeballs. The villain took out a wand and disappeared.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky screamed. Becky couldn't turn the wheelchair and crashed off the slide and careened into the pavement from 50 feet above. The wheelchair exploded into a million pieces. Barbie walked over with the magnifying glass on her eye which enlarged it about 50x.

"You IDIOT! MORON! SIMPLETON! AIRHEAD! SELFISH! OBLIVIOUS! CRAZYPERSON! IF YOU JUST JUMPED ON THE VILLAIN AND DIDN'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR STUPID NAILS WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HER! NOW I'M COMPLETELY PARALYZED FROM THE HEAD DOWN! GOD, I HATE YOU!" Becky yelled, obviously on a tirade.

"Look, Bert Franklin dropped a key and a security tape!" Barbie observed and picked it up.

"…", Becky stared in awe that she didn't hear her ream her or that she didn't care that she was paralyzed from the lower abdomen down, considering she could move her arms.  
"I'll get you a wheelchair in a second but lets go to the security center!" Barbie said, abandoning Becky. She walked in to find Bert Franklin's son, William Franklin.

"Hi, I'm William Franklin, my father runs the carnival." He said.

"He locked Ken in a box!" Barbie said.

"No he didn't!" That did it. Barbie's fixation on Bert Franklin caused her to go into an ape rage. She threw his son into a wall and started hitting him with a clipboard. Barbie crossed the line into total and utter insanity. Spit was dribbling from her mouth, her tongue was sagging, her eyes bulging, laughing like a maniac. She beat him then whacked him with a broom a few times. She locked him up in a cabinet.

"KEN! AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I LOVE COOKIES! DO YOU HAVE ANY COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES?" she said, psychotically.

"I have some licorice in the bottom drawer…" Franklin said nervously.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! THIS IS BLACK LICORICE!" Barbie yelled. She tipped the cabinet over and hit it a few times with a shovel. Barbie then put the security tape in to see Ken being locked up below Wanda's stage.

"Oh my God! Ken's being locked up in BERT FRANKLIN'S OFFICE!" Barbie screeched.

"NO HE ISN'T!" Becky yelled who just crawled in from waiting so long. "THAT'S UNDER WANDA'S STAGE!"

"Come along Becky, I got me a wheelchair! And I may have made Bert Franklin's son brain damaged!" Barbie said, but primal insanity overtook her again. Becky wheeled out when she saw it in her eyes. Barbie went crazy, totally destroying the office. She ran out, breaking down the door and running around the carnival, like an ape, laughing hysterically.

"Well, that's the last I see of her before Animal Control gets a hold of her…" Becky mumbled. She went in the case Ken was put into and it took her down to the basement. But she didn't have a key. She had to wait until Barbie would return to her normal level of sanity and wander in here.

Meanwhile…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Barbie yelled. She was still running around like an escaped mental patient, she ripped down the sign with Bert Franklin. She then, removed a lamppost, summoned some apelike strength and started swinging it around when she destroyed the gift shop. She arrived at Wanda's stage and broke the case that leads to her magic trick. She started breaking everything but Becky snatched the lamppost from her and smacked her with it. Wheeling over, she snatched the key. She wheeled over to open the case. It opened with Ken inside.

"Becky?" Ken asked.

"Ken! Oh my God… what's that smell? You wet yourself and it smells like you did it numerous times! Even pooped yourself! Great job Mr. Poopypants! And how could you breathe, there are no holes in this box!" Becky yelled. Barbie awoke minutes later. They all went to where all the rides were and the villain boarded the Tunnel of Love.

"Let's go!" Becky said. All three of them got into a swan boat.

"The swan is a motorboat! Floor it, Barbie!" Becky commanded. But, of course, Barbie didn't. She went very slow and couldn't catch up with the jerk.

"GO FASTER! Ugh… Move over!" Becky yelled. Barbie surrendered the steering wheel and Becky took the helm with a little bit of Ken's help.

"KEN! Put those encyclopedias conveniently placed in this boat on my foot!" Becky ordered. Ken placed them on her feet and the speedboat went very fast, Becky was a pretty good driver for a handicapped person.

Finally, Becky got her much sought-after revenge on Barbie, when they went over the ramps; Barbie hit her head on the metal bar and fell into the water.

"BECKY! Come back! I can't swim!" Barbie yelled, arms flailing.

"It's three feet of water you airhead!" Becky called back. Becky navigated the swan so when she jumped over the ramp she would crash into the other drivers. When she did, the swan's neck flew through the air and hit the dazed Barbie on the head while she walked there.

"Let's see who you really are!" Barbie said. She pulled off the mask revealing… Wanda McMillon.

"Wanda McMillon? I never knew… I never would have guessed!" Barbie said surprised.

"I've told you that after we were here for five minutes." Becky sneered. She got out in the wheelchair. Bert Franklin had reporters crowding around the entrance next to the duck pond.

"So Barbie, how did you catch the criminal?" the reporter asked.

"Well, actually…" Becky started. Barbie then pushed Becky's wheelchair into the duck pond where she almost drowned.

"We had a little help from someone", Barbie said, staring at Arty and his pet.

"Do you mean the rabbit?" Becky asked as she lost her oxygen supply. "After all of this… I'm kind of glad I'm paralyzed."

"Looks like the only magic you'll be doing is for charity when you return the money and go to jail, you scumbag!" Ken said.

"Oh Ken!" everyone said and laughed while Becky was drowning.

HOT DETECTIVE SOLVES CARNIVAL CAPER!

(Assistant Handicapped Detective Almost Drowned)

Wallah Wallah, Washington – Barbie Richards, FBI Detective solves the Salvation Army charity drive mystery at the Lou Zurr Carnival! It turns out Wanda McMillon, magician was in for the money and locked up the missionary in a trunk where he wet himself 5 times. We have her assistant that almost drowned with a quote:

"I hate Barbie. I hope she dies a horrible, painful death and BURNS!"

And that was her obviously delirious assistant, Rebecca Cunningham.


	2. The Vacation Mystery

Barbie Detective 2: The Vacation Mystery 

Barbie Richards was on the road in her '98 Corvette Convertible. She was taking her boyfriend Ken Berkley and the person she thinks is her friend, Becky Cunningham to the Cape Cod Resort in Kennebunkport, ME.

"After all of this sleuthing, I'd think we'd need a break." Barbie said. "Now where do I turn?" She looked around and they were off the road.

"YOU DROVE OFF THE ROAD 30 MILES AGO!" Becky yelled, obviously angered.

"The man at the gas station said it was a short cut. And I bought these great potato chips for 30 dollars." Barbie said, acting uppity.

"He swindled you and then wanted you dead! I wouldn't swindle you but I do want you dead!" Becky retorted.

"Becky, Becky, Becky, you and those odd jokes. So, how's being handicapped?" Barbie inquired.

"YOU TELL EVERYONE ON THE PLANET I'M HANDICAPPED THAT YOU MEET! Now give me the map, I want to find where we are."

"No." Barbie said. "I'm the only one who looks at the map!"

"Barbie, give Becky the map. No offense, but she's the only one who knows what she's doing!"

"See?" Becky said, angrily.

"Fine." Barbie handed Becky the map and she studied it.

"Turn right then when you get to the rest stop, turn left and keep going."

The next morning…

The Corvette rolled in to the hotel. While the wheelchair lift brought Becky to the ground, she criticized Barbie on her driving.

"HOW HARD IS IT TO FOLLOW THOSE DIRECTIONS? SIMPLE AS CAN BE, YET IT TOOK YOU 8 HOURS TO GET TO THE REST STOP AND FOUR TO GET TO THE RESORT?"

"Oh Becky, I know what your saying is all in good fun!" Barbie said. Becky muttered something nasty under her breath as she rolled into the hotel.

"Hi, I'm Molly Tekawitha son of Blackbear Kewskathata Tecumseh Lakota Sioux, I'm part Indian. Not with the dots but the Casino owners."

"Oh, aren't you the one's with the Hindu? And the god with all those arms?" Barbie asked. Becky lowered her head in embarrassment.

"That's the East Indians." Then an annoying man ran from the elevator.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" the annoying man said.

"Professor? What is it? By the way, this is our longest resident guest Professor Phillip Fitzgibbons, he has a doctorate in Archaeology", said Molly Sioux.

"Hello, I have discovered something behind a painting! It's a strange riddle but knowing me with my short term memory I won't remember!" he said.

"Why that's amazing! Let's go take a look!" Molly said. Every jerk in the room went up the elevator. Barbie made Becky take the stairs. Everyone was now in the Professor's library, except Becky, who couldn't walk up the stairs.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky screeched as she got into the room. Everyone looked in shock as Becky got to the room. "I can't believe all you JERKS made an obviously handicapped person climb the STAIRS!" Ken, who was only a semi-jerk, ran downstairs to get Becky's wheelchair.

"So, who built this hotel, Molly?" Becky asked.

"Well, an eccentric man named Monsieur Jacques LeBeaux constructed this when his family from Nantes, France came here by order of the king to charter the land of Quebec in the late 1600s. Our family, the Algonquin Indians lived very close to here and owned the land; we gave him the entire state of Maine. He offered us 30 francs and a compass. We took it." Molly explained.

"And I'm annoying!" The professor stated.

"Yes you are", Becky said.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Uh-oh, looks like someone else is after this treasure too!" said the idiot.

"The only person that's downstairs right now, is our resident chef, the boathouse teen and some annoying kid that breaks things!" Molly said.

"What is your chef's name?" Becky asked.

"Chef Rouen Marie Antoinette Sauvignon Charlotte LeBeaux!" Molly said.

"It was her…" Becky said.

"It's obviously the boathouse man!" Barbie said.

"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? You collect enough evidence and you make some cockamamie accusation without any EVIDENCE!" Becky yelled.

"Let's go everyone!" Every jerk in the room and Becky exited to get some coffee when the black clothed figure broke into the library ripped up the painting, photocopied it and left pieces of it everywhere.

"Look! There's only one piece of the painting left!" said the jerk professor.

"Someone must have been here!" Becky said. "I'll tag along with the airheaded moron so she won't do anything terribly stupid!" Barbie went to the dining hall to find the "annoying kid who breaks things".

"Hi, I'm Andy!"

"Hi, I'm Barbie! Why are you here?"

"I'm the annoying kid that breaks things. My parents are ambassadors to Libya, so they leave me at this 5-star hotel to stay. I really am lonely."

"AWWWWWWWWW… that's so SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

"Shut up! Go pick up a steak knife and shove it down your throat!" Becky screamed.

"Oh, don't mind Becky. She's our little handicapped comedian! Her story was, she was on her toilet, and a tornado came and destroyed her house, killing her entire family, picking her up, tossing into a cornfield. IT PARALYZED HER FOR LIFE!" Barbie said.

"Argh…" Becky frowned. "So, what's your relationship with the chef?"

"Oh, Cheffy? That's what I call her, she's kind of mean, but she does cook things for me, in exchange for lots of guns from Libyan arms dealers!"

"Hmm… is she giving them to the boathouse man? Because he's the culprit!" Barbie said.

"Wow, you're stupid."

"I'll take that as a compliment!" Barbie said, defiantly to Becky. Becky placed her hands over her face, angered by Barbie's face. Becky wheeled into the kitchen to find Chef Rouen LeBeaux.

"Ms. LeBeaux, you're under arrest!" Becky said.

"BECKY! Stop accusing the lady of things you aren't sure of."

"I hate you!" Becky said to Barbie.

"Well, I'm sorry but I have to put on this black hat and trench coat and go dirt biking!" the Chef said.

"Okay, have a fun time!" Barbie said. She put on her disguise and ran out the door.

"Barbie, chase after her you moron!"

"Okay! Let me put on all the safety gear!" Barbie said. She put so much on she could barely drive the bike.

"Take off some of that gear!" Becky yelled. "If you do, you can catch her!" Suddenly she stopped.

"What are you doing?"

"My leg fell asleep!" The figure got off the dirt bike and ran toward the hang gliders. Barbie got off the bike, took off the safety gear and walked to the hang gliders.

"Here, take these. They'll cut the fabric out of the figure's hang glider! Please don't screw this up, I'll go too just in case you do something stupid!" Becky said. They got to chasing the figure.

"You'll never catch me!" the figure said in a French-voice.

"Nice try Zach the Boatman!" Barbie said. "Trying to sound like the chef, how disgusting! Take this!" She threw the fabric cutters at Becky's hang glider.

"YOU AIRHEADED MORON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?" Becky screeched. The four more she provided tore through Becky's hang glider and it flew out of control and into the wall of the lighthouse.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky screamed and crashed into the wall.

"Oh no, Becky!"

"You airheaded moron! Go get the villain!" The villain threw steak knives and seasonings at Barbie's hang glider, nailing her to the wall.

"YOU IDIOT! If I had good legs I would kick you so much, you'd be in the wheelchair!" Becky said. "I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW OBLIVIOUS YOU ARE TO YOUR OBJECTIVE, YOU DON'T LISTEN TO EVIDENCE OR ME BUT YOU ARE SUCH A MORON! WHERE'S YOUR BRAIN? WHERE?" Becky knocked on Barbie's head, it was hollow, nothing was in there.

Spring Break, Cancun, 1992

"Let's play SWORD LIMBO!" Ken said. Barbie went through but it cut the top of her head off. When she was rushed to surgery, no one could find her brain so they put a bouncy ball in place of her brain.

"It's amazing you remember to breathe!" Becky said. Finally, Becky reached for Barbie's steak knives and cut them down from the lighthouse.

"Let's see what's in the lighthouse!" Becky said. They took the elevator up to find the figure and Andy (the annoying kid that breaks things according to the Indian)

"Sorry, it's time for you to go, Becky! Andy, charge her!" yelled Rouen LeBeaux. Andy ran for Becky, but Becky rammed her hand on the joystick propelling her against Andy, knocking him out the window of the lighthouse.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" he yelled and he landed on the steak knife that fell blade up when it dropped. The villain took a hook down a line and Barbie jumped on her legs.

"FINALLY! The airheaded moron does something smart!" Becky said.

"Let's see who's under the trench coat!" Barbie said, intimidatingly. Pulling off the trench coat she saw Rouen LeBeaux.

"Nice try, Zach the Boatman! Trying to disguise yourself as Rouen LeBeaux!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Becky yelled as Ken ran up the stairs to the lighthouse with his hang glider.

"Hey Ken, Barbie the Moron is being the biggest MORON!" They were over Molly's garden and Becky cut the line with a steak knife causing Barbie and Rouen to fall into Molly's greenhouse.

"Oh my… Zach the Boatman in the Rouen LeBeaux costume!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky yelled as LeBeaux ran from the greenhouse and to the boathouse. Becky took Ken's hang glider to the boathouse as two idiots ran up to the boathouse to arrest Zach while Becky was hang gliding above the water, following Rouen Le Beaux in her boat.

"You will never catch me, American!" Becky got low enough to her fuel tank to drain it and leave her dead in her tracks.

At the Boathouse…

"But I started working here a week ago! I barely know anything about the place!" Zach protested as Becky flew into the boathouse, Ken running in with her wheelchair, Becky dropped in, dropping LeBeaux on the ground.

"This is your criminal! Rouen LeBeaux, she was angry at Molly for retaking her ancestor's land that they bought back, she stole the antique's from the Professor's library and hid them from Molly. She would then proceed to tell the professor that Molly misplaced the articles, have him go public and retake her ancestor's property! She used the kid to get guns for whatever reason and he lies dead at the foot of the lighthouse!" Becky said. She led people up to the lighthouse with the photocopy of the back of the painting. North, South, East, West, guide my safely to the rest, it read. She opened the lighthouses light, finding the French compass, the 1600s French Francs, 10 Indian Beads necklaces, a hunting knife, and a charter by King Charles of France.

"My goodness!" the Professor said, the only jerk that heard Becky. Some reporters burst through the door with Molly, knocking the Professor off the lighthouse, ultimately killing the only witness to Becky's reasoning.

"So Barbie, how did you solve this caper?" a jerk reporter asked.

"Well… actually!" Becky started. But closed her eyes, in dread of another near death experience. She felt her hands move around a cord and felt like she was flying. She opened her eyes, seeing her wheelchair falling onto the beach, and swinging on the cord that she cut that landed Barbie in Molly's greenhouse.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky yelled as Barbie took all the glory. "YOU AIRHEADED MORON!"

In the Lighthouse…

"Well, I found the photocopy and I opened up this light and found the treasures! And there's my handicapped assistant Becky, she is a wild one! Here's her story, she was on her toilet when a tornado came to her house, destroying it completely, killing her family. Then when she tried to escape the tornado sucked her up and flung her to a cornfield, PARALYZING HER FROM THE WAIST DOWN FOR LIFE!" Barbie said to the reporters.

The Fathead Gazette 

HOT DETECTIVE PULLS THROUGH AGAIN

(Assistant Nearly Killed in Daredevil Stunt)

Kennebunkport, ME – Our hot detective from Walla Walla, Washington saves the day once again. A jealous chef and her child accomplice were after a treasure her ancestors gave to the inhabitants of the area. The accomplice was killed along with a professor knocked out a window by a torrent of reporters. Her assistant was paralyzed from now her upper ribcage down, allowing her arms to still function and we have her with us.

"My hatred for Barbie increases a lot more, that selfish airheaded moron will get hers someday and she'll know what it's like to be handicapped like me and Mrs. Applebee, who she left to die when she went to chase Laureen, her business competitor, who sabotaged Mrs. Applebee's wheelchair! She hates the handicapped yet tells my story to everyone! DIE BARBIE!" said her obviously delirious assistant, Rebecca Cunningham of Dixon, Illinois.


	3. Secret Agent Barbie

Barbie Detective 3: The Final Frontier

"I GET TO BE A SECRET AGENT?" Barbie asked when she turned in her report for the Cape Cod Caper. Becky was feeling a paraphernalia of human emotions when she heard this news at her desk, mostly anger and hatred. Becky screamed and thought a gun would be needed to kill herself.

"And Ms. Cunningham, you will be assisting Ms. Richards!" said George Tenet.

"Grr…" Becky growled. Their first mission was to infiltrate a fair and Barbie got a gun.

"A Walther PPK! I feel like James Bond!" Barbie said, like a moron while Becky followed.

"Can I have a gun so I can shoot you and make it look like an accident?" Becky asked, angrily.

"Becky, you are just hilarious!" Barbie said. "You go distract the guard so I can find the first clue to where this villainous this villain is!"

"I hope you die." Becky muttered. Becky wheeled up to the guard. "There's a jerk over there, do you have a gun?" When this was said, guards swarmed to Barbie and Becky got the nano suit out, which made Barbie invisible to all of the guards. Barbie rolled over and started shooting at the guards, she judo kicked an MP5K out of a guards hand and finished them off, Becky watched wide-eyed.

"How did you do that?" she asked Barbie. "I wanted you to die and it didn't happen!"

"Well Becky, I trained in martial arts and weapons but it's so much work! I'll never do that again!" Barbie said. Becky frowned and wanted to pick up the guns and shoot Barbie repeatedly. She came to the room where the clue was and it was.

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"That's "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles!" Becky said.

"Egyptian? Let's go to Nepal!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! You idiot, I will not tag along with you! I hate your face you jerk! You take the credit for my sleuthing and end up almost killing me in the process and you never caught on to me hating you and wanting you dead, you tell my story of how I became handicapped and it drives me crazy! I HATE YOU, BARBARA ANN RICHARDS! I SHOULD HAVE YOUR JOB! YOU'RE A DUMB BLONDE PSYCHOPATH!" Becky shouted on her tirade.

"Becky, that's such a funny thing to say! You should write a play!" said the biggest moron on the planet.

"Ugh… take me to Nepal", Becky said, tiredly. Becky pre-boarded the plane and Barbie once again told her story to validate her being handicapped. On the long way, Barbie ordered Trout Almondine for her meal, knowing Becky had told her she was allergic to fish and nuts. Becky's face swelled up and her hands got red and splotchy and she looked like a mess.

"YOU AIRHEADED MORON! I HAVE TOLD YOU HOW MANY TIMES I'M ALLERGIC TO THAT!" Becky said as she neared death. "GET MY EPIPEN!" Barbie moronically scrambled for the bag and squirted out the whole Epipen shot in the air.

"MORON! YOU ONLY DO IT A LITTLE BIT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"

"I see them do that on shows all the time, especially House, and E.R., and The Practice!" Barbie said naming all the shows she's seen that happen.

"NOW I'LL DIE! THANKS A LOT YOU AIRHEADED MORON!" Becky shouted.

"Wait! We're over Pakistani Airspace! Why don't I drop you in a parachute and you can go in a hospital!" Barbie said. She pressed the stewardess button and asked for a parachute and since everyone on the plane was a jerk, they complied with Barbie's idiocy.

"NO! I WON'T GO! THEY'LL SHOOT ME DOWN!" Becky said.

"Have a nice day, miss!" the stewardess said and wheeled Becky out the door, the parachute opening automatically 10 seconds later. When she was far enough from the plane, she ripped off the swollen suit she was wearing and took out a cellular phone.

"Hello Ken? Yes, prep the base for ready. Barbie is coming to Nepal, I knew she'd say something totally opposite to Walk Like an Egyptian by the Bangles! Okay, have some forces pick me up from the air, I'm sending you my coordinates! Thanks sweetie!" Becky said and hung the phone up. She then did something so strange and so out of character it was amazing, she stood up. Yes, Becky was never handicapped, it was all an act. She was really the head of the largest criminal organization in the world, al-Becky. Becky was half-Iranian and her father passed the organization presidency down to her and her family was killed in a bombing by a rival organization. And she was having an affair with Ken.

At Kathmandu Int'l Airport…

The idiot Barbie got off the plane and got to the main airport where a limo driver was holding up a sign reading RICHARDS and knowing the moronic idiot Barbie is, Becky knew she would take the limo to her criminal headquarters underneath a faux Buddhist monastery. She got in the limo.

"So driver where are we going?" she asked. Two guns went to her head when the question was asked. "Oh, a Chinese Wild West Shootout?" The limo went to the underground headquarters where Becky awaited her arrival. Barbie was handcuffed and taken down an elevator to see Becky at the bottom in all black with a white B on the front and the star/moon symbol of Islam on the back.

"Hello Barbie!" Becky said when she got to the ground.

"BECKY! You're the villain?" she asked.

"Finally you get it right! And I have been during every one of our mysteries! Let's watch!" A flat screen TV lowered from a ceiling and Becky turned on the TV. A title popped up on the screen that says "**_How Stupid is Barbie Exactly? How I tricked the moron every time!_**" and it showed Becky's incident on the slide.

Wanda waved her wand and while Barbie walked off to be moronic, flashing her away and Becky's wheelchair fifty feet above the slide and when Becky got down from the slide she laid mangled in the wreckage. Then in the hotel, it showed Becky walking up the stairs when all the jerks made her and when she flew into the air she grabbed a hang glider and flew away into the night. FIN it said at the end.

"Oh my God! You can walk!"

"That's right and I'm having an affair with your boyfriend!" Ken stepped out from the doors.

"KEN! OH THAT'S IT BECKY! You're going down!" Barbie said breaking out of the handcuffs and she charged at Becky. When she got there Becky pushed her into the lava pit.

"Well that was fast! Guards, we have to go to a meeting with the High Council!" Becky said.

In the Lava Pit…

The moron landed on a rock and was not seared away to nothing by the lava. She then found something in an alcove that would not make her the airheaded moron that Becky always said of her. Her brain was a jar being kept up very well. She went through brain reinstalling machine putting her brain back in place, now the juices were flowing and she was no longer an airheaded moron.

She climbed up the cliff and found the door to Becky's HQ locked and she was putting it on self-destruct to fly to her other base in Japan.

"I've gotta find a way out of here!" Barbie said, her first intelligent words in about 8 years. She reloaded the Walther PPK and got in the elevator hearing Becky's voice.

"The base will self-destruct in 10 minutes as the High Council, Ken, and I go to Japan. Please lay for your last moments of prayer, thank you for your loyalty. And Barbie, if you're still alive, I hope you rot and you're the first to die in this self-destruction."

"Sorry Rebecca! It's time for you to be stopped and I'll be escaping thank you very much!" Barbie said on the intercom. "And I'm no longer the airheaded moron you accused me of being so many times!" Barbie rushed out of the elevator as the monastery crumbled into the ground. She ran to the airport.

"Harro! I am Japanese, how-a can I herrep you?" the Japanese man said at the currency exchange in the airport.

"Barbara Ann Richards, CIA!" Barbie said, flipping out her badge to him. "Convert all of this money to Japanese Yen please!" She drank a swig of Fiji Water.

"Hmm… you are a verupturous woman, rould you rike to have some sushi rith me?" the Japanese man asked.

"No." And was given her money and headed to the plane. Though Barbie got her brain back, she went to the wrong plane.

"Haro, ris is your captain shpeaking. Re are depawating fowa Nunking, China! Hava a nice friiight." The Chinese pilot said.

"NO!" Barbie yelled. She ran to the front of the plane and pulled her gun. The Chinese screamed and started running out of the plane. The plane was taking off! It was heading down the runway and ready for departure. Barbie opened the cockpit and hit the co-pilot with her gun and the pilot knocked it back into the passenger section. They wrestled for the pilot seat and they fell out of the pilot's emergency exit door.

"Ris is just rike ta movie Gorrrdeneye!" Barbie punched his face and left him there unconscious. She snagged a luggage car from an unsuspecting Nepali man. She put the pedal to the medal and stacked all the cargo logs on the go pedal and got on top of the stair car part as the cargo hatch was closing. She jumped in and ran up the ramp to meet the Japanese contact, Mrs. Tanaka or as Barbie the Moron would call her Mrs. Ton-of-Caka. She flew the plane over Mt. Fiji where the woman lived and jumped out of the plane letting it fly off into the distance, knowing it would run out of fuel over the Pacific, as she dropped to the ground she knocked on Tanaka's door.

"Haro… I am Mrs. Tanaka!" she said and Barbie entered her house.

"Do you have any information on Becky Cunningham? Can you show me her CIA profile?"

"Res!"

Name: Rebecca Fahliz al-Kuneega (Cunningham)

Place of Birth: Persepolis, Iran

D.O.B.: September 30th, 1970

Education: University of Tehran, B.S. Criminal Justice

Northwestern University, M.A. Technological Engineering

Current Position: Technology Assistant on Team Barbie

Bio: Rebecca al-Kuneega was the daughter of terrorist leader, Anwar al-Kuneega. She was left paralyzed in her legs while escaping a bombing of their estate in the mid-70s. She was picked up by the CIA and paid her schooling. Was an FBI Tech Chairperson and assistant to Barbie Richards and made Tech Assistant to Ms. Richards.

"What have you picked up on your radar?" Barbie asked.

"I pick up plane going into Mount Fiji! Hurry to there, there's a gondola on the back of my house." Then the roof exploded and al-Becky ninjas broke through.

"Barbara Ann! Take my hand!" Mrs. Tanaka yelled. And Mrs. Tanaka took a katana from the wall and fought off the attackers.

"You must hurry, Barbara Ann!" she said while she sliced up the ninjas. Barbie got in the gondola and it sped up the rail. She got to the top of Mount Fiji and jumped down the hatch.

"Yes! We'll be blasting off into space from our stolen rockets I acquired from NASA! Then, I set off every nuclear missile in the world, causing complete chaos!" Becky said.

"Not if I have anything to do with it!" Barbie said running out of the elevator. She punched the big jerk in the face and she fell to the ground.

"I'm not an airheaded moron anymore Becky so you're evenly matched!" Barbie quipped.

"Guards!" Guards poured into the room and Barbie judo-kicked the gun out of the guards hands and unleashed a reign of terror on the jerks. She saw Becky's wheelchair in the corner.

"Hey Becky!" Barbie yelled. Becky turned her head. "Now I remembered your wheelchair!" And charged at Becky knocking her off the platform and down below to the cement.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Becky yelled and fell on the cement clutching for life. Barbie then made a makeshift bomb by strapping timed mines to the wheelchair.

"And in case that didn't kill you!" Barbie yelled she tossed the wheelchair down. 5…4…3…2…1… Blip-blip.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! YOU AIRHEADED MORON!" Becky said as the wheelchair bomb exploded, ultimately killing her. She then turned her attention to Ken who was running to a rocket ship.

"Barbie, we had some good times but now it's time for you to die!" Ken yelled. He ran into the room and locked the door behind Barbie, sneering at her. A button for the sprinkler system was right outside the room though and as Ken opened the circuit breaker to turn the rocket ship controls on, Barbie pushed the button. KZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT. The electricity ran through Ken's body and his eyes flashed blue. His charred body collapsed.

"Sorry honey, we had some good times but it was just to shocking to see you do this!" However the electrical meltdown armed the controls and opened the doors. Barbie had to board the rockets to prevent the high council from arming the missiles. The high council was Kim, Teresa, and the Kierra. They were launched into space and Barbie made her space shuttle turn so she would break the space shuttles and destroy them. When this happened, Barbie's rocket plummeted toward the earth and toward the Pacific Ocean.

The airplane that she abandoned was also right where her space shuttle was going to crash and there was a very large explosion.

"Agh!" Barbie yelled.

Two days later…

A United States Helicopter found the wreckage of the airplane and shuttle scattered about the Pacific Ocean. Also there was Barbara Ann Richards, dead. They picked her up and had an honorable funeral for her for how she single-handedly brought down a major criminal organization. She received an honorary doctorate from every college/university in the United States.

"Barbara Ann Richards is the greatest secret agent in the history of the United States. We are very sad for her death but we use her as a model for all people in the future!" George Tenet said.

Name: Barbara Ann Richards

Occupation: CIA Secret Agent

Status: Deceased

KZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! KZZZZZZZZZZZZT! SHOOM! Barbara Ann Richards was transported into another world and was confronted by a jerk in a blue business suit, his voice was annoying, and his skin was terribly pale. This was not Todd Alcott but a G-Man.

"Barbie Richards in the flesssssssssssh. I have always deigned to meet yooooooooooooooooou. I am obviousssssssly a jerk!" the G-Man said.

"That's apparent. What do you want with me?" Barbie asked.

"Ms. Richards, I require an………. Employee. To fight something… loony."

"Loony?"

"Loony. The Combine to be exact. I'm placing you in the yeeeeeeeeeeeear 2029 butttt before we leave I'd like to show you something!" the jerk said transporting her into the crash site of the plane and the shuttle.

"There you are. Dead here. Alive there. You will take on a new name. I will see you up aheeeeeeeeead!" the jerk said.

Name???

Status???

Occupation: Employed by a jerk


End file.
